Heartbeat!

We are on vacation right now, but I really wanted to find a computer so that I could post this update. A few hours before we got on the plane, we had an u/s and we saw a heartbeat! In our previous u/s, the doctor said we should see one next time, but I didn't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed. I figured that one of the worst things I could do to myself is get myself all worked up about a heartbeat and then NOT see one and then get on a plane and go on vacation for a week and a half. We went into the appointment with the mindset that if we see one, we see one and if we don't, we don't. No big deal.

But it was there and it was beautiful and we burst into tears upon seeing it on the screen. I still get a little choked up thinking about it. It definately makes this pregancy feel more real and I've found myself really enjoying being pregnant right now rather than worrying about what will or will not happen next.

My symptoms have been pretty manageable so far. Aside from the sore bbs, frequent peeing and 2 naps a day - the heartburn is starting to kick in big time. I haven't had much naseau or anything - a few isolated incidents, but nothing debilitating. No major food aversions - except for today. We took a day trip to Provincetown and for lunch, C had a seafood bouillibasse and every once in a while a little squid would find it's way to the surface and I'd feel the walls start to cave in on me.

The computer connection we have is slower than dial-up so I'm sorry that I haven't been able to comment lately. Please know that I'm thinking about you all and hoping for the best.

One more thing...

I had a dream last night that I was drinking coffee! I huge steaming cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee. I could taste it to distinctly - it was almost as good as a sex dream.

No Blood Test??

We had our first appointment today post testing positive. I thought it was going to be an u/s and a bloodtest - but it turned out just to be an u/s. For some reason, I'm not more nervous and uncertain that I was prior to the appointment, and the u/s gave us good news!

The can see the pregnancy and they can see the yolk sac - they are very happy. There were alot of handshakes from the doctors and hugs from the nurses. Why do I feel unsettled?

Last time I tested positive, with the IUI, my initial hcg number was low. It was 39, so we were going in every two days for more blood tests to see how it was progressing. I guess it's just that I feel that blood tests results are completely definitive whereas an u/s is subjective. How does the doctor KNOW that what he's seeing is a yolk sac? Everything looks pretty blurry on that u/s screen - isn't it his interpretation? C reminded me that this is what they do every single day - they look at that screen and see what's on it.

Next week, we go in for another u/s where the doctor said we should be able to see a heartbeat. He told us to hold off on telling the world until we see the heartbeat because the chance of miscarriage decreases after that.

I wish I could just be excited about the fact that TODAY, we got good news. We got a good report and there's no reason to think that anything bad will happen. I'm really tired and that's probably contributing to my feeling uncertain.

Still On This Rollercoaster

There is no logical reason to think that anything has gone wrong, but over the last 24 hours, I have definately entertained the idea that this being inside of me isn't thriving. My symptoms today aren't as strong as they were yesterday and Saturday.

I'm asleep by 8:30 - last night it was 10:30.
My boobs have been sore and veiny - today they aren't as noticeable.
I've been peeing alot - today not quite as often.

There's no blood, no cramping, no scary sypmtoms - just sort of nothing. All of the sites, books, etc says that this is normal, but I can't help but feel a little nervous. It's normal right?

Do you think that years from now, it's going to seem barbaric that our generation has to wait until the next doctor appointment to find out our beta numbers and ultrasound results? At what point will there be an iphone application for immediate and constant hcg monitoring?

Coffee

Hey girl – do you miss me like I miss you?
Do you ever think about me?
I know there were others – but they never meant as much as you did.
Sushi, gorgonzola, pinot noir? Girl please, I can’t even remember what they look like.
I only remember you.
Do you remember our mornings of creamy delicious goodness?
Girl, I do. I really do.

I see you walking around with others.
I can smell you on their breath.
Don’t think it doesn’t hurt me, 'cause it does.
How can you do me like that? After all that money I spent on you?
Grinders, latte machine, top of the line brewer?
For something so warm, you sure can be cold.

Girl, I promise that I’ll come back to you – will you have me?

BFP

Just got the call - we're pregnant! My level is 112 - which is exactly what they want to see at this point. Anything over 100 makes them happy. If they're happy, we're happy. Last time, my level was 32 at this point, so I'm feeling really good about 112.

I'm beyond thrilled, elated, relieved. One of the reasons that I am sane right now is because of this blog and because of all of your support and well wishes.

Thank you for all of your kind words - I know we're going to start hearing alot more BFPs in the coming weeks.

Love and Peace to you all!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is our blood test. I'm 40% optimistic, 30% terrified and 30% numb. I've had plenty of symptoms that can easily be chalked up to the progesterone and the patches and I'm missing symptoms that seem like pregnancy must haves. The 40% optimistic is largely connected with one particular symptom that feels legit. At a number of points over the past week, I have felt this tickle and itch behind my belly button. It's hard to describe - but it feels like something is happening down there.

We'll see. Either way, I just want to get on with my life. Yesterday was my birthday and C was great about making it very special, but it just feels like I can't celebrate or completely feel anything until we know if this worked.

We'll be OK either way. I've been really emotional over the last week - I think in some ways I might be guarding myself from a blindsided BFN like our last IUI attempt. I'm ready to move forward or move on.