Monday, September 8, 2008

E2 the Blues

We had our E2 appointment today, which is the appointment that green lights the stimulants. Dr. Love 2.0 is still seeing 4 on the right and 9 on the left. He saw a small cyst in there that he doesn’t think is anything to worry about. He said it looked like a corpus luteum cyst. We’ll find out about my estrogen and progesterone levels in a few hours to know if we are OK to start the stims.

I was expecting to feel excited but I don’t really feel anything at all. I don’t know what to feel or where to go, emotionally, right now. Do I try to figure out a way to get excited about all of this and not just focus on all of those needles? If I can manage to get excited, am I better off trying to balance this excitement with some level-headedness? Will this protect me more if we don’t get a BFP? With everything that's at stake, is it even worth it to try and protect any part of myself right now? All this start and stop has left me feeling nothing. My go-to place is to get up into my head and detach a bit. I think I’d be most comfortable going through the motions for the next few days – but does taking my emotions out of this process make it less likely for this to work?

One of the things I really liked about the acupuncture in this process is that the treatment does attempt to connect me emotionally to the pre-transfer stage. What happens in this if I disconnect?

I know these are not questions anyone can really answer – I guess I just can’t quite figure out how to find faith right now. I can tell myself that whatever is supposed to be happening right now is what’s happening – but is it true if I can’t feel it?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

My expereince has been that even if you are shutting down, you arent' protected from any anguish--I think it is just weird thing the world says. But really, once you get wherever you get (BFP/BFN). You are gonna have some feelings. Maybe it is hard to have feelings without an expereince? you are just stepping into this world of jabbing yourself in the gut for love.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes it is easier to disconnect. Sometimes it just happens. While you are stimming it might be good to be able to just step outside yourself. There will be a lot for you to feel with your retrieval, fert report and transfer.You will connect soon enough. I really do hope this is it for you.